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November 12, 2012
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pieces of my life are faded away,
parts of my soul are dead:
memories of things I can't revive.

but out of ashes new life springs;
out of darkness a fire will be born.

from shadows we arise!
with wings of the phoenix we awake
to soar across the morning dawn.
:iconplatinummyr:
:heart: (First drafts are always difficult, because they never feel ready.)
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:iconladykylin:
That's becuase they aren't I think. But when is anything really ready.

I love the imagery you've got working here. It's quite vivid. But I think the clashing tenses in the first two lines creates a jaring effect in a bad way. I personally(and it's your poetry so this advice may not suit I'm no expert) would have have faded away, and are dead, Then the present tense in the later verses will have that much more umph.

Even in it's rough form it's quite enjoyable though.
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:iconplatinummyr:
=platinummyr Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :heart: :)

I liked your suggestion. I also changed "a phoenix" to "the phoenix"
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:iconladykylin:
Your welcome, I'm glad I could help.
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:iconplatinummyr:
=platinummyr Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ofcourse :heart:
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