Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
Even the right way is a crime.
Even the darkness sounds a chime.
Even the circles look like lines.
Even the sweet things taste like limes.
Even the hurting seem so fine.
Even the thirsty pay a dime.
Even the hungry cannot dine.
Even the water tastes like brine.
Even the acid looks like wine.
Even the boots can't make the climb.
Even the freedom seems to bind.
Even my thoughts can't stop my mind.
Even my faith shall fail sometimes.
This is a poem I wrote after hearing the line "Even the wrong words seem to rhyme."

Hope you enjoy it. The poem is about the fallacies in the word today, and the many things that just don't seem right.

EDIT: Changed a few of the lines in the middle of the lines. (Mostly from seems to another word). Hope you enjoy, especially new watchers.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconflawedfairytale:
flawedfairytale Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2009  Student Writer
even my empty heart can still remember you,
and even my ears can still hear a faint echo of your soft words.
even though, through my tear-ridden eyes, you're just a lost blur.


I really like this piece- the flow is lovely, with the rhyming couplets. And the final line is so powerful. :heart:
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah: It's supposed to be all the same rhyme, but I had to force a few since i couldn't think up enough exact rhymes.

:heart:

Mmhmm, the final line is my favorite for sure :giggle:

Even whispers can't be heard
Reply
:iconflawedfairytale:
flawedfairytale Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2009  Student Writer
Ahh, I see! It's very good. Rhyming takes a lot of patience- I always get stressed when writing rhyming poems. ^^;
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah. I tend to think of the rhyme first and fill in the rest later. That's why sonnets are so hard, because you have only a few syllables to work with.
Reply
:iconflawedfairytale:
flawedfairytale Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2009  Student Writer
Yeah, I've done that before now. ^^;
Haha, see how I've still not attempted another sonnet? I'm dreading the thought really, I'll have to be really dedicated when I do try, I think. ^^;
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
^^; Me tooo :giggle: Sonnets are hard work, but the outcome sure is lovely.
Reply
:icondusk-of-stars:
Dusk-of-Stars Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2009
WOAH!! good jobb
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :heart:
Reply
:icondusk-of-stars:
Dusk-of-Stars Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2009
you're very welcome
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
:giggle: MMm I had fun writing this one. (Even if it was a while ago)
Reply
:icondusk-of-stars:
Dusk-of-Stars Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2009
i'm glad.

i find that some stuff, even tho it was writtien a long time ago, is the best. tho somtimes u have to edit... a lot... lolz
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Which I did :D
Reply
:icondusk-of-stars:
Dusk-of-Stars Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2009
:D lolz
Reply
:icondaughterofzion:
DaughterofZion Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2009   Writer
I like this!

My favourite lines are:
Even the hurting seem so fine.
Even the thirsty pay a dime.
Even the freedom seems to bind.
Even my thoughts can't stop my mind.
Even my faith shall fail sometimes.

I don't mean to sound picky, so don't take this the wrong way, but you may want to wordsmith a few of them... they work, but could maybe flow better. Some of them feel like you're trying to force the rhyme a tiny bit too much, like:

Even the sweet things taste like limes.
Even the hungry cannot dine.
Even the boots can't make the climb.

(The first one especially; the other two are growing on me)

These you might even combine:
Even the water tastes like brine.
Even the liquid looks like wine.

Into:
Even the water tastes like wine.


I really like the flow and simplicity, though. And the fact that it revolves around making things that don't normally go together rhyme. Great concept!
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I edited it a little. Changed liquid to acid, to differentiate from the two. I have nothing for the first line, though.
Reply
:icondaughterofzion:
DaughterofZion Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2009   Writer
I like acid. It's a cool word in general, but it makes a really nice contrast with wine. Unusual and unexpected.
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :)
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I'm working on some edits. But I'm trying to keep things going from a one thing to a worse(depending on concept) thing. Like water to brine, wrong words rhyming
Reply
:icontsirachel:
Tsirachel Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Whoa. I think my favorites are "Even the circles look like lines" and "Even my thoughts can't stop my mind".

I love the song "Collide" too.
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Mm :) Collide is an aaamazing song :heart:
Reply
:iconbriannamal:
briannamal Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Even the sweet things taste like limes.
Is my favorite. :D
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :heart:
Reply
:iconchocolatemuack:
chocolatemuack Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2009
so intense!! :heart:
Even the right way is a crime.
Even the freedom seems to bind.
those are my favourites! :giggle:
grat work!! :glomp:
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :D This is one of my favorite old ones :)
Reply
:iconalovelymeinside:
ALovelyMeInside Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2009  Student Traditional Artist
I love it lots.
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :D
Reply
:iconbrisni:
brisni Featured By Owner May 31, 2008
The flow and irony in this poem is stunning. :+fav:

Even the freedom seems to bind.
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner May 31, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah... that was the idea... I stole the first line from one of my favorite songs XD

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Even the best fall down sometimes
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find... you and I collide
Reply
:iconbrisni:
brisni Featured By Owner May 31, 2008
Sounds like a great song. :)
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner May 31, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
and I'm tangled up in you


Colide, not sure who it's by, look it up :D
Reply
:iconbrisni:
brisni Featured By Owner May 31, 2008
will do!
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner May 31, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconcolossus999:
Colossus999 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2007   Writer
This is great! I love poems like this. This is going in favorites.

It really flows, and you present a lot of really good paradoxes.
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
:aww: Thanks!! ^_^
Reply
:iconpaladin343:
Paladin343 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
this is odd... i think it's one of those poems that makes a different sort of sense every time you read it. I'll have to think about that.
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
heheheh! YAY!!! :aww: love it when someone says that.
Reply
:iconpaladin343:
Paladin343 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
YAY! I made someone happy today! :dance:
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
:aww: Yesh you did.
Reply
:iconpaladin343:
Paladin343 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
:boing:
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
Whats with the :boing:??
Reply
:iconpaladin343:
Paladin343 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2006  Hobbyist General Artist
:shrug: felt like it. =D
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
HAH!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmagaman:
Magaman Featured By Owner May 23, 2006
:omg: u just-tt d-id the UNTHINKABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :hug: WELL DONE BRAH! :hug:
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner May 24, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
Wellz... I just wrote from me heart, and copied first line from a song.
Reply
:iconmagaman:
Magaman Featured By Owner May 26, 2006
Thats nice, your poem even got me thinking a few lines of my own :aww:
Reply
:iconneverryou:
neverryou Featured By Owner May 23, 2006  Student
:jawdrop:....ok now...am i like..speechless...this is such a BEAUTIFUL poemmmm!!!!wow..
wowwowow...wow..can't stop...hey this is overwhelming....it's just sospecial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner May 23, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! :glomp: :glomp: I didn't expect THIS much from people!!
Reply
:iconneverryou:
neverryou Featured By Owner May 24, 2006  Student
you should have!!now you know!!!!its awesome!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner May 24, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
I never expect it...
Reply
:iconneverryou:
neverryou Featured By Owner May 25, 2006  Student
:)))
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconplatinummyr: More from platinummyr


Featured in Collections

Captivating by brisni


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
May 22, 2006
File Size
637 bytes
Thumb

Stats

Views
244
Favourites
11 (who?)
Comments
58
×